


Richard Nixon gets intimate with a goldfish cracker

by Hitlertheduck



Category: Goldfish (snackfood)
Genre: F/M, I really like mac and cheetos and wish they'd bring them back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25868227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck
Summary: Richard Nixon is just having a normal day as the president, but his life changes when he falls in love with a snack food from a goldfish commercial.
Relationships: Richard Nixon/Brooke the goldfish cracker
Comments: 7
Kudos: 3





	Richard Nixon gets intimate with a goldfish cracker

Richard Nixon was chilling out on his front porch, satisfied at yet another great day as the president of the United States. The shining sun beat down on his head and the blue sky greeted him with a warm sense of comfort

As a celebration of his amazing achievements, Richard decided to open up a pack of his favorite treat, welch fruit snacks. His look of glee quickly turned to disappointment when he opened the packet to find that, instead of the fruit flavored snack, cheesy goldfish crackers came spilling out instead. 

“uuhhhhgggg, I hate goldfish” groaned Tricky Dick

Richard couldn’t stand goldfish, they tasted inferior compared to the godly taste of welch fruit snacks. He really didn’t feel like going to the store right now, so he decided to eat some anyways. 

As Richard was about to pop one of the goldfish into his mouth, a burst of cheese scented smoke came from the bag, leaving Richard too blind to see anything in his path. The air eventually cleared and Richard opened his eyes back up in order to see what had just happened.

Richard couldn’t believe what he was seeing right now. In front of him was a goldfish cracker only this goldfish cracker was the size of a human. She also had two green eyes, along with two delicate sets of eyelashes and her skin white tone made her look like she was parmesan cheese flavored.

Richard felt the hatred for goldfish in his heart begin to dissipate, and in its place, a boner started to form in his heart for this female snack food.

“Richard, you’ve been chosen by the snack food gods to receive the gift I’ve come to bring you” said Brooke the goldfish. 

Richard knew what she meant and he decided to listen to the boner in his heart. He then whipped his dick out and did a sick ass backflip in the air. He then landed perfectly inside of her pork roast. It was a pretty hot sex scene, but man you guys should’ve seen Richard’s backflip, he was all like *WHOOSH* and *KAPOW* it was so cool, I wish you guys could’ve seen it. If I could reach through the screen, I would hug each and every one of you. 

Richard thrust his donkey schlong in and out of Brooke’s crumbly puss puss, and it was still a pretty hot sex scene. Brooke moaned in ecstasy at the power that Tricky Dick’s lightning rod held as he continued pounding her, but you shouldn’t let this distract you from the fact that the voice actor who plays Tigger in Winnie the Pooh, Paul Witchell, is the same guy who invented the artificial heart, now you’ve learned something from reading a fanfiction.

Richard continued spilling his spaghetti inside of Brooke’s ancient burial grounds until he fired a load of his tartar sauce into her like Japan when it the entire city gets flooded by a tsunami and then he laid down because he was tired from all the energy that he exerted from fucking a parmesan flavored goldfish like an absolute chad.

As Richard laid down on his back, he looked into the eyes of Brooke and asked “so what now?”

Brooke said “now you get the gift”

Richard looked down at his hand and saw that it was beginning to grow brown fur, he then looked at his other hand and saw that it was growing brown fur too. Razor sharp claws began to emerge from Richard’s hands and feet, his face began to become more animalistic, and a tail emerged from his ass.

Richard Nixon couldn’t believe this, he’d turned into a werewolf from having sex with a goldfish cracker!

Suddenly a man jumped out of the bushes and punched Wolf-Richard in the face, knocking him on his ass. Wolf-Richard looked to see who it was and what he saw surprised him. The man standing before him was Bruce Lee!

This Bruce Lee was different from the one we all know. He had a cowboy hat on his head. He was also wearing a bage colored vest, brown pants with flaps hanging from them, a belt with two pistols inside two gun holsters, but the most alarming change was that he had a brown mustache across his lip.

He looked over at Wolf-Richard, then at Brooke, and said “you fellers picked the wrong time to get tangled up in mah town, now yer gonna pay with yer lives”   
Bruce Lee said that last quote with a southern accent, and it made Wolf-Richard realize who he was dealing with now. This wasn’t Bruce Lee, this was Cowboy Bruce Lee!

Cowboy Bruce Lee then said “are ya ready ta surrender or am ah gonna hafta get nasty on ya like a bull in a rodeo?”

Wolf-Richard stood his ground and said “I’d never bow down to a soda brain like you” 

Cowboy Bruce Lee then stroked his mustache and began moonwalking “I guess its gonna hafta be the nasty way” 

Cowboy Bruce Lee then reached down and pulled out both of his pistols, intending on shooting Wolf-Richard but Wolf-Richard stood his ground, confident that his werewolf abilities would allow him to win this fight. 

Cowboy Bruce Lee fired from his gun but, unfortunately for him, Wolf-Richard took the shots head on and began to walk towards him very, very, slowly. I just want to let everyone know that I’ve copyrighted the word soda-brain, and anyone who uses it in any of their fanfictions will need to pay me 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 chicken tendies every year for the rest of my life.

Cowboy Bruce Lee continued firing into Wolf-Richard but his gun blasts seemed to be having no effect on the furry president. Cowboy Bruce Lee then panicked and decided to try a new method of attack. He pulled out a green pool noodle and began to beat Wolf-Richard up with it.

Wolf-Richard screamed in agony at his pool noodle beating, because pool noodles are a werewolf’s greatest weakness, I know this because I’m Lon Chaney Jr. and I played the Wolf man in 1941. 

Wolf-Richard was losing very badly, but luckily not all hope was lost. Brooke was pregnant due to the dicking that Richard Nixon had given her and now she was about to give birth to their child. 

“RICHARD I’M GIVING BIRTH TO OUR BABY” yelled Brooke

Crumbs started to fall from her crunchy lady parts as a human being slowly slid out of her, onto the ground. 

The baby Brooke gave birth too wasn’t just a baby, he was a fully grown adult. He had black skin, a business suit, a flat head of hair, and a winning smile that just made you want to pinch his cheeks.

The feisty lady goldfish had given birth to Barack Obama!

Barack Obama looked over and saw his father being beaten to death by a pool noodle, and decided right then and there that he would not stand for this. So Obama nodded to his mom and prepared to use his God given powers to help him win this.

“SILVER CHARIOT” yelled Obama.

Obama then summoned his stand to his side and the both of them began to charge at Cowboy Bruce Lee and skewer him like a Hollywood adaptation. 

Cowboy Bruce Lee was still beating up Werewolf Richard Nixon when his senses began to go off like crazy. He then stopped beating on Tricky Dick and raised his pool noodle to defend himself from Silver Chariot’s oncoming blade. The pool noodle clashed with Silver Chariot’s sword as Obama stood there, arms crossed, with eyes that were filled with nothing but determination to defeat his enemy.

“So, I see that Richard isn’t alone, well let’s fix that” said Cowboy Bruce Lee 

“The only thing that’s going to need to be fixed is your ass after I fist you so hard that the universe needs to adjust itself for how hard your rectum got violated” said Obama

Cowboy Bruce Lee then lunged at Obama with his pool noodle raised, ready to decapitate him, when Silver Chariot appeared to protect his master by blocking the pool noodle. If you wonder how a pool noodle can trade blows with a sword, well that’s because it’s not just any pool noodle, it’s a pool noodle made from the energy of a black hole.

Cowboy Bruce Lee continued to swing his pool noodle at Silver Chariot, while the stand blocked every single one of his swings and slashes. Cowboy Bruce Lee began to increase his speed with his pool noodle, while Silver Chariot had trouble keeping up until eventually, Silver Chariot got slashed across the chest by the pool noodle and green apple flavored kool aid came out of his wound. 

This wound translated over to Obama and he was on his knees now due to that wound. Cowboy Bruce Lee then held his pool noodle and prepared to decapitate Obama. Suddenly blood began to poor out of Bruce Lee’s mouth. He looked down and saw that there was a claw jutting through his chest. Wolf-Richard then pulled it out and this made Cowboy Bruce Lee fall to his knees.

Richard then extended his hand to his son to help him stand up. They then both looked at Cowboy Bruce Lee and began to pool all of their power together for one final attack to finish off Cowboy Bruce Lee for good. Female goldfish do not bleed during their period, instead of blood, croutons come out of their vaginas.

Richard and Obama eventually finished charging and, with all their combined power, a giant, universe sized, autographed, photo of Crash Bandicoot appeared in the sky, ready to crush Bruce Lee. Bruce tried to move out of the way, but the wound from Richard was too much and he couldn’t bring himself to stand up. 

Richard and Obama then brought the photograph down and crushed Bruce Lee with it, not just killing him, but also erasing him from existence completely so that no one but Richard and his family could remember the Cowboy. 

Richard and Obama then high fived each other for a job well done. 

“Let’s go home son” said Richard

“Yeah, let’s go dad” said Obama

Richard, Obama, and Brooke, all happily skipped back into their house, ready to start their new life as a family.


End file.
